Impostor Syndrome

These days I feel like falling short in every things I do. People around me were saying good things but I felt like I did not deserve any of that. Why am I very hard on myself? I don't like it when I feel that way. I want to feel enough, I want to be proud of myself. But it is really going to take long time for me to feel that. 

I am writing this just to make sure I know that I am actually doing pretty decent. You are doing amazing, self. Just keep going. 

Putting these good words I got when I resigned from my previous job. Just to keep me going for awhile. 

Read More

Half of 2021

It's been half a year passed. Time doesn't feel like it flows but they never wait. I don't feel like I live fiercely this year. I feel like I should since it is my last year as a 20-something. Next year I am entering the 30 series. You know how I always have Peter Pan Syndrome?? It scares me that I am getting old because inside I am still the young girl but my outside shell aged, I've got wrinkles, belly fat and sometimes I've high blood pressure.

The pandemic still happening and I couldn't do anything about it. I just lay low and do my things quietly. Sometimes I crave for the adventures. I wanna go travel, I want to go to class to learn something, I want to meet people but I can't, so it is very frustrating.

Anyhow, reflecting back for the past 6 months, I did crossed a lot of my 2021 wishes. Some of the wishes are the life-long goals so there is no time-limits for that. 

Firstly, as for my financial, I don't have money problem. I did apply a credit card this year but I managing my credits very well. I do have budget plan for everything and I have some savings, so I think I am good.

Removing toxicity, yeah I do that. As matter of fact, I don't bother much with toxicity.  I do what makes me happy and so far I don't have any nervous breakdown and depressed episodes in my life. So far so good.

I am reading books currently. I recently finished Rich People Problem, Convenience Store Woman, Before the Coffee Gets Cold, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage, Kim Jiyoung: Born 1982 & Almond. Quite a lot. I've got few more new books to be read. 

I think I am balancing my work-life balance really well. When I am at work, I do my work well and when I go home I do fangirling very hard. But I feel unfair if people at my workplace judged me for being a fangirl because I never let my fangirl life interferes with my work. 

And lastly and this is the most recently happened, I got a job offer! And whatsmore a permanent post. In a hospital!  I am delighted! I attended the interview in April and it was an online interview. I did think I messed up the interview because there's some questions I couldn't answered and I remembered I cried to myself after that because I was so disappointed in me. But they called me last Thursday to inform that I got the job! What a suprise. So for now I am preparing for my 30days notice resignation. I really wish this is the good path for me. 

Cheers to the future me. Hopefully you wont be reciting The Road Not Taken in near future. Go girl.

Read More

28

I miss writing. I used to write long sentences but these days my words are short. Is it because I am finally moulded into the same cookie-cutter? I feel like it was wrong to have my own thinking. 

Adult. Such a simple word but quite an impact. Am I an adult? I am not sure if I can be categorized as an adult. Age wise, I was old enough. But really do I qualify to be an adult? There's so much in this world that I still don't know. Sometimes I do wonder how the hell I lived all this while? Did I just strutted along without the care of the world? Is it actually a blessing not to know many things? I wonder.

I am afraid of course. I am 28 this year. But I still have no stable life as of now. I am still a contract worker and this contract is valid only until next year then it wont be renewed. Amid this covid season the economy is not that promising, pharmacist employment is usually low and now it's lower, so I don't know if I can get employed by the time they let me go. 

In the end, all my efforts during my study days was in vain. I really tried hard to be the best, I sacrificed a bit of my mental health for nothing. Now what's left is a laugh. A cynical one. 

But I do believe everything happens for a reason. For now, I keeping my faith. Let's see what life going to bring me. For better or for worse?

Read More

thank you

You have suffered these last few weeks. Sometimes I forgot you are already old and maybe you have less strength to fight. But I remember you are a fighter all your life, even though you were just a tiny little ball. You were very sweet hence your name Sweety.

I am sorry I feel like I didn't do enough for you, but I really tried my best. I hope you are better off now you are not in pain anymore. I might forget your name after a few years, but I will never forget how you make me feel. You are the sunshine in my life. Thank you for being a part of my life. 

Adieu, Sweety. You will be missed.

Read More

2019 highlights

I traveled to Singapore for BTS concert last January. It was my first time travelling overseas for concert, so I was quite overwhelmed with the fact that I could finally do that (financially). I've grown up. Hah. I enjoyed Singapore, went there with a group of high school friends. I liked the fact that we really utilized the public transport to travel. I also enjoyed using my feet (read:walking a lot) in another country. 

OK. Now it's about the concert. OMGGGGG BTS are awesome!! I enjoyed every second in the stadium. It is a right decision to attend this concert. I LOVE BTS

Read More